Assertiveness: How to Response When You Are Criticized

Being assertive in life will help you to handle the situations where people against your ideas or being attacked verbally in general. It is very important to be assertive when you are handling criticism. Actually assertiveness is a skill that you can learn and this article will give you some ideas how to develop your assertiveness.

There are three possible ways to response; passively, aggressively or assertively. If you are a passive person, you might not want to confront problems or people and dislike 'rocking the boat'. On the other hand, you might be very open and direct, ignore other people's feelings and probably do not want to take criticism if you are an aggressive person. However, both responses may not always be the best choices for handling criticism because someone may always loose or get hurt at the end. The best way to handle criticism is to be assertive that will enable you to state views/ opinions without upsetting others and it will bring 'win-win' situation at the end.

There are three assertive techniques for handling criticisms: Fogging, Negative Assertion, and Negative Inquiry.

Fogging: This is useful if there is some truth to the criticism or attacker is very angry. What you have to do is: Agreeing with any truth in criticism, e.g. "Yes I did come in late last night."; Agreeing with the possibility you could be wrong, e.g. "Yes, I might have come in late other nights this month."; Agreeing with attacker's logic, e.g. "Yes, I can understand why you think I'm selfish."; Accepting attacker's feelings, e.g. "I can understand why you are feeling angry with me."

Negative Assertion: You may use this if you know for sure you have done something wrong. If you calmly admit mistake without excessive apologizing, both you and attacker can maintain dignity and anger of attacker is defused. For examples: Agreeing with criticism, e.g. "Yes, I do talk too much in class." or "Yes, I am moody sometimes."; Agreeing with the critic's values, e.g. "Yes, I should have worked harder." or "Yes, what I said last night was stupid."; You may say sorry only if you really are. An insincere apology can just make the situation worse.

Negative Inquiry: It is the best to use if you are not sure why you are being criticized or you suspect that the criticism is not based on factual evidence or you have a strong hunch that critic is trying to manipulate you. For example:

Other: "I think you're really selfish."
You: "Hhmm, can you give examples of how and when I've acted selfishly?"
Other: "I'm really disappointed at your performance in this project."
You: "Oh, can you tell me what I've done to disappoint you?"

If you practice and use these three techniques, you will be able to develop your assertiveness. You will be able to get your thoughts across and deal with a situation in a straightforward manner without harming others. Especially, it will let you work with other much better. You will be able to establish more effective relationships and confident in a relaxed way. You will be proactive - looks for solutions instead of blaming others. You will be able to admit mistakes without excessive apologizing.

In summary, when you behave assertively, you feel more comfortable with yourself, your self-esteem improves, you become more valued and respected, and your technical & professional abilities are highlighted by excellent interpersonal skills. After all, in most situations we have the choice to be passive, assertive, or aggressive. Being assertive will often be the best choice for you. Therefore, it will always be good to learn to be ASSERTIVE!

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